I was working on my computer a few weeks ago while my two-year old slept.  My four-year old came into the room, climbed up into my lap, looked at the computer monitor and said, “What’s that stuff in the water?”  I had been checking on the latest news about the Gulf oil spill.

We spent the next hour looking at pictures on the internet and I attempted to tell him about the oil spill.  Since I was not really clear on some of the details myself, we focused on the images of the spill.  He was riveted to pictures of oil, pipes, boats, oil rigs, beaches, booms, wetlands, seagulls, turtles, etc.  He quickly grasped that it was big and important and he kept asking me, “How did the oil get in the water?”

I drew a diagram and attempted to explain how an oil well works and show how the well broke which was allowing the oil to run into the water.  Once he began to understand how the oil was getting out, he focused his questions on how to stop it.  I drew in the relief wells and talked about how it was going to take a long time, but they were hoping to stop the oil for good by sealing it off below the ocean floor.

He loves looking at images like this one that include some of the machinery involved:

He was interested in all of the various discussions but his attention started to waver when he realized that I couldn’t answer all of his questions.  In order to satisfy his curiosity, I began gathering a list of resources available to help children understand the oil spill.  We can all do our part in helping the next generation understand what’s going on in hopes that they realize the importance of caring for the environment and taking necessary precautions.

• This guide, from the National Wildlife Federation / Ranger Rick, provides a superb overview of how to talk with children about the oil spill and there are specific educational resources in the sidebars.  This page from their site provides an overview of how the spill happened and how people are working to clean it up.
• TEDxOilSpill sent an expedition team to the Gulf in June and took amazing photos of the spill and cleanup efforts.  Go to the expedition site and click on “Latest Expedition Photos.”  Older children (and adults) may be interested in the TEDxOilSpill conference that was held at the end of June.  Video of the presentations can be found here.  Click on “Video Stream.”
• This video, found on the Take Part website, provides several images with captions about the environmental impact of the oil spill.  For older children, this page on their website has a variety of resources.
• The WSRE from Pensacola State College provides a wealth of information and may be useful for addressing specific questions children may have.  There are also numerous videos available on the site.
• From the BP site, there are numerous pictures and videos that children may enjoy.  My son particularly enjoys the animations of the robots installing the sealing cap (dated July 10).

I would caution that depending on the age and temperament of your child, you should prescreen the materials.  If, for example, your child is particularly sensitive to seeing sick animals, then you might want to avoid images of animals with oil on them and perhaps just talk about that aspect of the recovery.  As the Ranger Rick site points out, for young children and early elementary ages, you shouldn’t cause them to worry about the situation.  You’re goal is simply to inform, reassure and answer any questions they may have.

And, last but not least, involving children in the recovery efforts – either through volunteering or monetary donations – provides them with a strong and lasting message about the importance of everybody’s individual efforts.  The Spill Site has a terrific list of ways to get involved in the recovery, along with the latest news reports.

Have you spoken to your children about the oil spill?  How did it go and what approaches or resources can you recommend for other parents?

Photo © BP p.l.c.

When my son came into this world, I approached parenting the same way I approached every new endeavor.  I bought a book.  And then another.  I scoured the pages searching for approaches, techniques, answers, and solutions.  I knew that the little baby lying in the Moses basket next to my bed would one day hit the terrible two’s and beyond.  I felt incredibly unprepared to deal with any of it.  After some trial and error, however, I found my “northern star” in terms of parenting and I didn’t need any mnemonics to remember it:  the golden rule.

“The Golden Rule is arguably the most essential basis for the modern concept of human rights, in which each individual has a right to just treatment, and a responsibility to ensure justice for others.   A key element of the Golden Rule is that a person attempting to live by this rule treats all people, not just members of his or her in-group, with consideration. The Golden Rule has its roots in a wide range of world cultures, and is a standard which different cultures use to resolve conflicts.” (Source)

During my four and a half years as a stay-at-home parent (as I type that, I am amazed that it’s been that long), I have witnessed parenting and caregiving behavior that makes me sick to my stomach.  I’ve seen mommies, daddies, and caregivers of all stripes lose their cool and inflict verbal and psychological abuse on children.

Not long ago, I was walking along the sidewalk with my daughter and we passed a school or day-care group coming from the other direction.  A little girl who looked to be around three or four, last in the line of children, was sobbing so hard she was having trouble holding onto the tow rope.  One of the teachers shouted at her repeatedly and ordered her to stop crying.  Obviously this shouting had the opposite of the desired effect.

This week at my children’s soccer class, I witnessed a double-dose of bad behavior.  At the beginning of my daughter’s class, there was a boy who didn’t want to join the class.  He was lurking on the sidelines with his caregiver (either a grandparent or nanny).  The woman urged him to go out with the class and when he continued to resist, she grew irate.  She repeatedly asked him if he was a baby because he wouldn’t play.  ”Are you a baby?  Go out there and play, baby!  Are you a pacifier baby?”  She repeated it so loudly and so often that one of the coaches (a young guy who likely has no children) joined in and *gently* teased the boy to try to convince him to join the group.  When the woman persisted in her name-calling, the coach fortunately seemed to think better of the tactic and backed off.  My daughter was oblivious to the scene since she was participating in the class, but my son was witnessing it all with wide eyes.

Then later, during my son’s class, when the shade on the field was retreating and temperatures were climbing, the daughter of the woman sitting next to me on the sidelines came over to her mom crying.  She said she was hot and didn’t want to play any more.  The poor girl literally had tears streaming down her face and she was sobbing.  Her mother pulled her aside and spoke to her very sternly and threatened her with unnamed “consequences” (yes, she used that term) if she didn’t go back out to finish the class.

Episodes like this make my skin crawl and I feel so badly for the children involved.  Losing your temper with a child and saying something that you quickly regret is one thing.  But in both cases, the caregiver’s reaction to the situation was not made in a moment of heightened emotion.  Their responses were calculated.  Systemic.

Of course I could relate to both of these caregivers.  My son sometimes chooses not to participate in group activities.  It’s frustrating when you’ve gone to the time and expense to enroll the child in a class, especially when bringing along a younger sibling, and the child refuses to participate.  I have tried numerous approaches at persuasion and convincing to get my son to participate on those days but have never resorted to anything like what I saw on the soccer field.  And the irony, of course, is that the tactics make the child feel badly and are unsuccessful in the end.  A lose-lose situation.  There is normally some specific reason, rather than uncooperativeness, that the child doesn’t want to participate; the key is figuring out what that reason is.

I wanted to ask both caregivers whether they would have liked it if their caregiver had said those things to them when they were a child.  Did they really expect to get a positive response from the children after saying these things?  Have they truly forgotten that these children are people with their own thoughts and desires?  It seems like people sometimes expect their children to be like little robots automatically obeying every request that’s made of them.  They’re from the mentality that says, “What do you mean he won’t do that?  He simply has to. Make him.”

I would like to climb down from my soap box now because I hope that you already see the point that I’m driving at.  Good parenting all comes back to the golden rule.  Would I like to be yelled at?  No.  Would I like to be scolded and teased at any time, but especially in front of my friends?  No.  Would I like unfair “consequences” meted out because I was being told to play soccer in hot weather when I didn’t want to?  No.

Of course, I’m not saying to go in the opposite extreme either.  Children do need rules and they need to abide by those rules.  No hitting.  No kicking.  No running at the pool.  You get the picture.  But the response on the part of the caregiver to infractions needs to be carefully considered and “consequences” doled out fairly.  As a parent, it’s your responsibility to ensure that unfair and unkind discipline tactics are not employed with your child – whether by you or by any other caregiver.

My son, by the way, didn’t want to participate in the class either after the first twenty minutes or so.  After a rest and a drink of juice he went back to play for a few more minutes and then came back to me.  So I sat on the sidelines – still barely in the shade – with both children curled up on my lap drinking juice and we watched the rest of the class.

Oh, and did I mention that the boy who was called a “baby” by his caregiver is two years old?  And the girl who was in tears because she didn’t want to play is barely four years old?

Photo credit

I had a mommy breakthrough this evening and I just have to share it with all my mommy (and daddy!) friends. First-time parents, especially, take note.

My son has always been horrible about taking medicine. During his “terrible two’s” i perfected a technique of holding him down and giving him medicine. It was absolutely no fun for either of us but it was the only way that I could do it. He certainly wouldn’t do it voluntarily.

My daughter – my “strong willed” child – has been exactly the same way since birth and maybe even worse. With my son, once you got an oral medicine in his mouth, he was pretty good about swallowing it. My daughter would spit out every last drop.

Giving daily vitamins orally has been a challenge for sure and there were times with each child that i gave up entirely. My son since around the age of 3 or 3.5 has been good about the vitamin because he’s done it himself. It’s given with a dropper which he can squeeze into his mouth. The thought had never occurred to me to let my daughter – who was barely two – do it herself but one day she grabbed it from my hand and squeezed it into her mouth! It was a major breakthrough! So now, either she gives it to herself or she requests that her brother do it.

My daughter has, thankfully, had to take less medicine than my son did at her age, but recently she’s had an ongoing cough which was, just today, diagnosed as allergies. We started a cough suppressant at night a couple of weeks ago and I was thrilled that she happily did the medicine herself. Again, the medicine is given with a dropper which is very easy for her to hold and squeeze.

By the way, it’s my practice to always be truthful with my children and to never fib in order to get them to do something. I think this is manipulation and I am always truthful and honest with my children. I did, however, tell my daughter that the cough suppressant was another vitamin in order to get her to try it the first time. Then, once she was comfortable with it, I started calling it medicine and she was okay with that.

When we went to the doctor today, I knew that the cough was not due to a virus, but to allergies. I was dreading finding out what the doctor would prescribe. He prescribed Allegra (in liquid form) and antihistamine eye drops. I rolled my eyes, knowing that I was probably going to have to pin my daughter down to give her the eye drops, but she’s been really miserable, so I knew I had to give it a try.

I decided to try eliciting her cooperation first, though. With the Allegra, it is given with a plunger rather than a dropper which she had never encountered. I showed her how to do it and we practiced a few times with water and once she got the hang of it I put the medicine in and she took it by herself. This approach definitely requires some patience because we had to practice it many times and I had to show her where to hold her fingers, etc. I also had to get her to put it in her mouth before pushing on the plunger. But my patience was definitely repaid in that there were no tears and she was very proud of herself for doing it on her own.

Then came the eye drops. I explained that this medicine was for her itchy eyes. I touched the skin around her eyes and asked her if her eyes hurt and she said they did. I told her this would make them feel better. I squeezed a drop on the back of my hand and had her touch it showing her that it was just like water. Then I told her we had to open our eyes in order to put the drops in. She responds very well to sing-songy instructions and knowing what the steps are for a task. So i did a little sing song “we open our eyes and we put in the drops.” I repeated that in a corny sing-song voice over and over. I also clowned up the opening of the eye and she thought that was really funny. Then I demonstrated on myself and I counted to three and put the drop in my eye. I asked her if she saw it and she said, “Yes!” She was so excited she wanted to do it right then. But I showed her again on my other eye. Then I told her we’d go lay down on the bed to make it easier for her. She really wanted to hold her eye open herself but I convinced her to let me do it and she happily did. I repeated the sing-song chant as I put the drops in and then we had a big celebration about how helpful she was and how easy it was.

So, that was a rather long-winded explanation, but I hope it gives you some ideas of how to make it easier to give your children medicine. If somebody had simply told me when my first-born was two years old, “Just let him do it himself!” I would have simply scoffed and gone back to pinning him down. But by doing this step-by-step approach and having some patience, I’ll bet you can do it! Please let me know if it works for you or if you’ve done something similar with your children!

I posted last year here and here about our surprise acquisition of composting worms … since that time I’ve made peace with the worms and my kids really enjoy feeding them, watching them and learning about them.  My son especially enjoys them since he’s already got a penchant for things that make adults go “blech!”  They are surprisingly easy to care for.  I really only need to throw some food in for them every week or two.  Our bin is rather small and it takes them a long time to go through food.  The wonderful thing about having worms for pets is that you don’t have to get somebody to care for them while you’re gone on vacation (unless it is a really extended vacation).  The other wonderful thing is that I’m not allergic to them!

I tried to snap a pic of the worms themselves but my iphone camera would not cooperate … so here’s a picture of our bin.  We keep it by the garbage bins and it’s covered with a piece of cloth secured with a rubber band.

When we originally brought the worms home (“Red Wrigglers”, technically), they told us that they reproduce quickly and that we might have a few thousand within a few weeks.  Fortunately that prediction was a bit high (whew!) but by the end of last year, the bin was getting a bit overcrowded.  Although I *had* made peace with the worms, I wasn’t quite ready for what I knew I had to do next.  The composting process (i.e., the worm doo doo) leaves the soil extra-rich in nutrients that is wonderful for plants but not so good for worms.  Now and then, they need to have the soil replaced.  You can then use the composted soil in your garden.  Of course, I had the bad luck to do it in December, so my garden wasn’t much interested in the compost.

So, one afternoon I screwed up my courage and began the tedious process of sifting out (using a spoon, not my fingers!) the worms.  I created two bins where there had been one, with fresh dirt and damp newspapers as bedding.  I also brought along the eggs since I figured they’d have wormy nervous breakdowns if I left the babies behind.  As I went through the process, my hunch was confirmed – there were a LOT of wormies in there!  But they seemed happy in their new homes and burrowed joyfully down into the soil.

After the relocation was complete, I started looking for a new home for the new worm bin.  I don’t really have the space (nor the inclination) to keep two bins.  Strangely, none of my friends were eager to take them off my hands.  Then one day I had a stroke of genius – I could give them to the school!  They already have all manner of wildlife including fish, a rabbit and even some exotic cockroaches.  The teacher was thrilled with the idea and so this morning, I gave a little presentation to my son’s class and left them with our surplus bin.  Most of the children were fascinated by the worms, although a couple of children were scared at first. As part of the package, I also left them with two wonderful books that my son loves:Wiggling Worms at Work (Let’s-Read-and-Find-Out Science 2) and Compost, By Gosh!

As I left the classroom this morning, I have to admit that I felt a bit sad to leave our wormies behind, and I was nervous that the teacher wouldn’t know how to take care of them. I kept thinking of last-minute instructions to give her: “Make sure the soil doesn’t get dried out! But don’t get the soil too wet! Don’t feed them too much!” I had to remind myself that when I brought the worms home in a paper cup I knew exactly nothing about taking care of them and we figured it out just fine. I’m sure they’re in good hands (they are, aren’t they?)